”Children’s Grief Matters Too”
When I was in elementary school, a young child from the church my family attended was killed in a bicycle accident. I was probably nine at the time. My parents, sisters and I attended the funeral which was held at our church. I clearly remember how small the casket was and seeing his parents walking behind it in tears. I don’t remember how my parents decided we should attend the funeral as my sister’s and I were pretty young but I do remember feeling like I needed to be there.
When we got home from the funeral, I remember going up to my bedroom and going to my closet and putting the funeral program and a cross I had been given at some point into a small jewelry box. I don’t remember how I got the idea and I don’t think I told anyone what I had done. I just remember feeling like I needed to honor this boy in some way. I would from time to time go to that box and open it and say a prayer. I don’t believe I ever shared any of this with my parents. It was just something I did on my own to honor the loss of the boy and express my feelings of sadness. I didn’t know that this was grief.
What I knew was that I had these emotions going on and I didn’t know what to do with them. I remember the images of the accident from the descriptions I had been told running through my mind on repeat. I remember thinking constantly about this boy’s family and how sad they must be.
As a young child, I didn’t have pretty words or phrases to refer to or know how to share my feelings with my parents. Even without these though, I understood the impact and effect that the death of this child was going to have on his family. I knew that I was incredibly sad and having trouble knowing what to do with these feelings.
As adults we want to protect our children from pain. We think if we just don’t talk about grief with them that they will get over it or not be affected by it. We think they won’t understand because they don’t have the ability to verbalize or process things in the ways that adults do. My experience with the death of the little boy proves otherwise.
Children do not have the same skills as adults but they can and they need to process their emotions when it comes to grief and loss. Whether it is through play, or as I did as a young child, by finding a way to honor their loss. And the reality is if they are not supported in processing their feelings, it will come out in other ways such as acting out behavior, anxiety and sleep disturbances. Children are not adults but they are very intelligent emotional human beings and they can sense something even if they don’t have the words to put to it. They need to know that their grief matters too.
Here are some ways you can honor their grief:
- Be truthful. Kids are smart they will know if you are not being honest with them. Follow age recommendations but don’t assume kids don’t know what is going on.
- Include them in conversations about them attending the funeral and other memorial events depending on their age.
- Use concrete terms when referring to death. Kids may not understand the finality of death but using terms like “better place” can be confusing and scary.
- Find support to help children process their grief through play and art.
- Let them know you understand that what they went through is very significant and that you are there for them to come to anytime.
- Seek help for yourself to help you process your emotions about the loss. We cannot help our kids unless we help ourselves!
Kristin Darcy, MSW
Grief Recovery Specialist
410-409-3116